Missing Myrna & Jamie's wedding

Myrnas wedding bouquet


Myrna just sent this pic to me of the bouquets she is having for the wedding. The peachy/orange coloured one will be hers, and the ivory ones will be for the bridesmaids. Seeing this picture really upsets me. For some reason its knowing she's picked the bouquets that is making it seem REAL that its only a few weeks and she'll be married! Even more real, I'm not going to be there :( I was fully aware that I wasn't going, it didn't even bother me that much when the girls bought their bridesmaid dresses, but knowing a final decision has been made on the flowers, I'm devestated. All of a sudden I get the mental pictures of myself walking down the aisle with the other girls, smiling, laughing and enjoying the once in a lifetime experience...but its just imagining, I'll never know what its really going to be like.

I thought "Okay, lots of people get married and sometimes their best friends can't make it" but I'm not supposed to be the best friend that couldn't make it. I'm supposed to be there, even if not as part of the bridal party...at least in the audience taking a million pictures. Of all Myrna's closest friends I'm the "only" one not making it. I'm disappointed in myself that it hasn't worked out. I sometimes think, I should have tried harder, I should have been willing to spend the money, I should have been willing to not go home this summer, I should have been willing to demand that work give me the vacation time I wanted. And yet, all of these things have went against me in my efforts to get there.

How will I feel later when its all over and everyone returns from the wedding talking and laughing about what happened or didn't happen. I'll sit there and wish I hadn't missed it, wonder if I'll regret if for the rest of my life, be sadden that I didn't experience any of it. I have such sadness about it. Then I wonder if Myrna & Jamie really comprehend how sad, disappointed & upset, that I am about not being able to go. On one hand I'm sure they think yeah that's too bad, but on the other hand do they think she could have been there IF she really wanted to be. All these things go through my mind more often than not.

I've known Myrna forever, literally since birth. And in a way I feel like I'm messing up our lifes plans. Talking as young girls about when we get married and how we'll be there and then I go and mess it all up. And nothing against Jen but she's only known Myrna a few years and she gets to go? Why can't I? Seems like I'm getting cheated somehow. All I know is, I have to put myself in the mind set that I'll see all the pictures, I'll see someones home video, and know that the girls will fill me in on every detail no matter how small, and that though I may not be there in body I will be in spirit. And that my not being at the wedding does not change my friendship with Myrna, my closeness to her and to remind myself that we still have the rest of a lifetime to share and experience other happy memories.